lately, i've come to realize...

noah, discovering the joys of almond butter, straight from the spoon.

it doesn't matter how much baby noah does or doesn't wake up at night. the next day, i will still be tired.

most of the food that i eat is usually just a vehicle for almond/peanut butter.

it seems that i'm passing that trait onto my baby boy. 

it's really hard to come up with new ideas for healthy dinners every night. i'm stockpiled with ideas for recipes with loads of butter, cheese and the works. but there is really only so much i can do with fish/chicken and vegetables. 

and it doesn't matter how hard i try to eat healthy all week. by friday, i always cave and bake something.  usually involving chocolate chips.

there are no boundaries between a mother and child. we literally share everything. food, sleep, my body...you name it.

i've never really known how to style my own hair. 

and i'll probably never really know how to iron well.

it doesn't matter how many times i clean the kitchen floor. it still never looks clean.

but i'll still eat something that's fallen on it - even past the ten second rule. 

the majority of my time is going to be spent at parks and playgrounds in the next coming years. but i'm perfectly okay with that. 

i'm probably never going to like running. 

but i love walking. so i try to do lots.

that's all. xo.

a really long story mostly about showering and face masks.

yesterday, while top chef just desserts was playing in the background (because it is about baking, of course) as i did some chores around the house, i started crying.

you see...the contestants were in a theater watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory, and to their surprise, were sitting next to the original charlie bucket, veruca salt, and all the characters of the movie the whole time. why did this elicit tears, do you ask? i don't know. something about the kind of music they were playing? or maybe the fact that they were all still alive? either way, i didn't get much sleep the night before, and this for me, is a sign of exhaustion. and being an emotional person anyway (if you know my family, you understand), you can see why the sight of the older, grouchier version of these beloved characters from my childhood would send me into an upset. right? right? just humor me.

i tell you this to explain why when cortney offered to take noah with him last night - to a youth church event that he is in charge of, i happily handed him over. in fact, i may have shoved him into his arms a little bit. no mom-guilt involved.

let me set the story straight. i could not be happier to be a stay-at-home mom. i know that i have the cherished opportunity that a lot of moms would give their left arm for, and i am eternally grateful for it. every.single. day. i count my blessings that my day revolves around the care and raising of my sweet baby boy. that being said, for the last, almost 13 months, there have been very few times where he has left my arms, or hip, or my sight. i joyously wake up to his sweet face in mine every morning, attach him to my hip the rest of the day, and then, quite literally, have him latched onto me all night long. and having a baby who nurses aggressively and exclusively, and, by no ones fault but my own, thinks a bottle is only useful for heaving across the room, leaves very little room for time separated. not that i've ever really wanted it anyway. leaving my baby boy behind with anyone else usually (and by usually, i mean always) sounds like the most ridiculous idea ever. so i hope you can see that i'm not complaining. i love it, and i like to believe that we are both very, very happy with our arrangement.

that being said, yesterday was just one of those days. i was physically and emotionally exhausted. my head was all floaty, and i didn't feel present all day. it made me feel like the worst mom ever. this phase noah is in, is a busy one. and a loud one. and a messy one. everything dangerous is climbed on. everything fragile is thrown across the room. everything tiny and important is tucked underneath the couch far from my reach. and for a boy who still has nights where he just doesn't want to sleep, seems to remain fairly unaffected by it, and on my sluggish days, is almost fast enough, and most definitely strong enough, to get away from me.

so i was tired, and cortney's offer seemed like a dream come true. i thought of all the possibilities. he suggested that i go to the gym without a constricted time limit on it. i thought maybe using my unused gift certificate to get a massage would be nice. or maybe a run to the mall and being able to walk around peacefully and uninterrupted could be dreamy. i had about 90 minutes, and i needed to make it worth it.

so what did i do?

i showered.

i took a really long shower. nothing sounded better. because with noah's need for multiple naps slowly diminishing, he usually showers with me too (and they are usually lukewarm to protect scalding his precious head. and usually only 3 minutes long, which is exactly the amount of time it takes him before  he finds my razor).

it was glorious. and hot. really, really hot. and long. really, really long.

a few other things i did? i peed all by myself. that sounds weird. and laugh if you must, but i've mastered the ability to strategically hold my son and go to the bathroom at the same time. if you're a mom, you know exactly what i'm talking about. i also lounged around in my robe. i browsed the internet. i put on a face mask. you know...the kind of masks i would have used pre-baby. before the possible sight of it on me would put baby noah into a tailspin, asking, "who's that terrifying person that sort of looks like my mom from the neck down, but instead has a horrifyingly stark white substance covering her face and makes her kind of resemble a clown (which, of course, are always scary)?" or...the more likely scenario...i get too caught up in other things and forget about the face mask which then forms a sort of cement, hardened deep into my pores, and takes the rest of the night to remove. i also painted my toenails. and i watched up all night. a show about two new parents trying to keep it cool. which was pretty funny and in some ways, surprisingly accurate.

anyway...it was the great. but do you know what was even better? having my husband and baby come home. two smiling faces that i got to cuddle with the rest of the night. sometimes you need a little time to yourself to appreciate what is right in front of you.  i'm learning this slowly. even with all cortney's many attempts and offers to take charge for a few hours. i'm learning that a little time away makes me a better mom and a better wife. a little time away keeps me sane. and makes me happier. and i don't even feel guilty about it.


oh yeah, and i still forgot about the face mask.



hope your thursday is a beautiful one. xo.

thought for your thursday: dinner table talk.

we've gotten into the horrible habit in our home of loading our dinner plates with food, plopping down on the couch, and eating as baby noah passes back and forth between us, mouth wide open. and i should mention that the tv is usually on in the background.

as our boy is getting bigger and i feel like good habits can be formed, i want to start implementing family dinner at the table. place mats, napkins...the works. and no television in the background. the great benefits of having a family dinner together are no surprise. studies show that children who eat dinner regularly with their families are less likely to get involved with drugs and alcohol, get better grades, have less stress and eat better.

it was common practice in our home growing up, and i could always count on dinner being on the table at 6pm, sharp. it is something that i have really grown to appreciate in my mom - knowing that she took the time and effort to get us eating well, talking and spending quality time together.

i'm sure as our family gets larger and older, nights will become busier and family dinners will become few and far between. so why not get the habit started now, and make it stick the nights that we are able to make it happen?

tell me, do you sit down to dinner with your family, significant other, or even just yourself?


happy thursday. xo.

amen.

keeping it short tonight because we've had two sleepless nights in a row in our household. i'm blaming it on teething...but as a first time mother, i don't really know. i've taken a bath, drank my tea, and even did a little nighttime yoga to relax the mind. i'm calm, peaceful and ready for bed....but is my baby? we'll see. i'm off to bed to catch a few winks before any potential parties he might want to throw at 3 in the morning.

have a great wednesday night and an even better thursday. xo.

image found here.

thought for your thursday.

following these simple rules would always make for a good day. and what a creative way to display and remind yourself daily!

image found here.

monday.

i kind of like mondays. they are a fresh start. and i always seem to want a fresh start after the weekend.

i kind of fell apart this weekend. it seemed busier than normal...long days of sweating in the heat, no napping, and a wired, clingy baby. it's interesting, the phases baby's go through. this age, as much as it is my very favorite yet (as they all are), is exhausting. yesterday, at church, as i was wrangling my son away from all things he shouldn't be into/doing, a woman came up to me and commented on my "spirited child".  isn't that mom-code for "out-of-control"? i'm pretty sure it is. and after a drawn-out process of trying to unsuccessfully get him to sleep on saturday night, i had to call cortney up, hand him our happy-to-not-be-in-bed baby boy, and walk away. i didn't say much. just went and laid on our bed.

thank goodness for husbands that don't ask too many questions, and babies that can make any tiring day better by snuggling with me.

here's to a new week!

and....we are flying back to utah to see our families this week! yay!

xo.

the rescuing hug.

this picture is from an article called "The Rescuing Hug". the article details the first week of life for a set of twins. each twin was set in a different incubator, and one was not expected to live. a hospital nurse fought against hospital rules and placed the babies side by side in the same incubator. once they were together, the healthier of the two, threw an arm over her sister in an endearing embrace. the smaller, sick baby's heart rate stabilized and her temperature rose to normal. (you can read the full story, here)

this amazing story made me tear up and marvel at seeing the benefits of skin-to-skin contact, when needed the very most. it also made me think back to those first few days after baby noah was born, and the hours upon hours of us together, chest to chest. it was the most natural, bonding and amazing experience. almost like a magnetic pull, our two hearts pining for each other. we were told to put him in the hospital nursery at night - just so we could get some sleep. but neither cortney or i could bear the thought of it. our baby boy, our brand new baby boy, just hours out of the womb needed to be near us, and we needed to be near him.

even when we brought him home, he was almost never put down. babies so clearly give us the message that they want, and need to be held, and our boy is no different. there are numerous studies stating how important it is to keep mothers and babies close together after birth, and as noah has gotten older it has become so clear to me the importance of continuing the closeness, and the bonding that comes from it, well beyond their first year of life. there are so many days when i'll be talking to my mom, or to cortney on the phone, and i will hear myself saying...."noah doesn't seem to want me to set him down today". and for so many months, he would sleep nowhere but in our arms. i don't believe we raised him this way. i don't believe that we spoiled him. i believe that it is the most natural place for him to be. we still practice skin-to-skin contact in our home, whether its sleeping together, nursing, or a snuggle first thing in the morning. nothing beats his chubby little fingers around mine, or his arms around my neck. nothing is better than having him fall asleep in my arms. i can only hope that our sweet boy continues to want to be close to me, and to his daddy as long as humanly possible. we will do everything imaginable to encourage it.

read about the benefits of skin-to-skin here.

cuddle your little ones close tonight.

and have a good wednesday. xo.

thoughts for your thursday.

i've been reading this every morning since i found it. it so perfectly written, there is nothing else to say. 

found here.

xo.

thoughts for your thursday.

the concept for this picture book made me laugh. and then it made me want to cry.

one of my biggest fears as a mother is the overload of electronics these days. i try very hard to in our home to keep the television off, except for when i slip in the occasional baby einstein video when i'm cooking dinner, or if i need background noise for the too-quiet nights that cortney is out-of-town. luckily, baby n. has shown very little interest in it and for the most part phases it out.

when it comes to electronics though - ipads, laptops, iphones, etc...that's a whole different ball game. if we are using it, he wants it. he lunges for the computer and attacks my phone. he knows what they are and where to find them. we try to keep him away from them, but with how prevalent they are in our lives right now, it's so hard. and sadly, i have to admit, i seem to sometime encourage it - there are a few iphone apps that have saved me during rush hour traffic with a cranky baby that is unconsoled by his other toys, my singing (not that i blame him) or books. 

it's just another one of those mom-guilt things. i feel as if my sweet innocent boy is being tainted by the world every time he stares with glazed, wide eyes into my phone. where i would like to keep him protected in a world full of wooden toys and old books, i know i can't keep him from it forever. (unless it comes to video games...because that i'll never get behind). more than anything, i want him to grow up with an appreciation for the outdoors, real books, real games, and an active imagination. i've thought about just leading by example and slowly decreasing my use of all of them (our boy must think that my phone is just an extension of my body), and hopefully, it turns into habit.

but just like anything, there has to be a balance, and i assume as our children get older, and the world keeps getting faster and more advanced, we'll just have to find ours.

tell me...in the battle between books versus electronics, where do you draw the line?

xo.