a really long story mostly about showering and face masks.

yesterday, while top chef just desserts was playing in the background (because it is about baking, of course) as i did some chores around the house, i started crying.

you see...the contestants were in a theater watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory, and to their surprise, were sitting next to the original charlie bucket, veruca salt, and all the characters of the movie the whole time. why did this elicit tears, do you ask? i don't know. something about the kind of music they were playing? or maybe the fact that they were all still alive? either way, i didn't get much sleep the night before, and this for me, is a sign of exhaustion. and being an emotional person anyway (if you know my family, you understand), you can see why the sight of the older, grouchier version of these beloved characters from my childhood would send me into an upset. right? right? just humor me.

i tell you this to explain why when cortney offered to take noah with him last night - to a youth church event that he is in charge of, i happily handed him over. in fact, i may have shoved him into his arms a little bit. no mom-guilt involved.

let me set the story straight. i could not be happier to be a stay-at-home mom. i know that i have the cherished opportunity that a lot of moms would give their left arm for, and i am eternally grateful for it. every.single. day. i count my blessings that my day revolves around the care and raising of my sweet baby boy. that being said, for the last, almost 13 months, there have been very few times where he has left my arms, or hip, or my sight. i joyously wake up to his sweet face in mine every morning, attach him to my hip the rest of the day, and then, quite literally, have him latched onto me all night long. and having a baby who nurses aggressively and exclusively, and, by no ones fault but my own, thinks a bottle is only useful for heaving across the room, leaves very little room for time separated. not that i've ever really wanted it anyway. leaving my baby boy behind with anyone else usually (and by usually, i mean always) sounds like the most ridiculous idea ever. so i hope you can see that i'm not complaining. i love it, and i like to believe that we are both very, very happy with our arrangement.

that being said, yesterday was just one of those days. i was physically and emotionally exhausted. my head was all floaty, and i didn't feel present all day. it made me feel like the worst mom ever. this phase noah is in, is a busy one. and a loud one. and a messy one. everything dangerous is climbed on. everything fragile is thrown across the room. everything tiny and important is tucked underneath the couch far from my reach. and for a boy who still has nights where he just doesn't want to sleep, seems to remain fairly unaffected by it, and on my sluggish days, is almost fast enough, and most definitely strong enough, to get away from me.

so i was tired, and cortney's offer seemed like a dream come true. i thought of all the possibilities. he suggested that i go to the gym without a constricted time limit on it. i thought maybe using my unused gift certificate to get a massage would be nice. or maybe a run to the mall and being able to walk around peacefully and uninterrupted could be dreamy. i had about 90 minutes, and i needed to make it worth it.

so what did i do?

i showered.

i took a really long shower. nothing sounded better. because with noah's need for multiple naps slowly diminishing, he usually showers with me too (and they are usually lukewarm to protect scalding his precious head. and usually only 3 minutes long, which is exactly the amount of time it takes him before  he finds my razor).

it was glorious. and hot. really, really hot. and long. really, really long.

a few other things i did? i peed all by myself. that sounds weird. and laugh if you must, but i've mastered the ability to strategically hold my son and go to the bathroom at the same time. if you're a mom, you know exactly what i'm talking about. i also lounged around in my robe. i browsed the internet. i put on a face mask. you know...the kind of masks i would have used pre-baby. before the possible sight of it on me would put baby noah into a tailspin, asking, "who's that terrifying person that sort of looks like my mom from the neck down, but instead has a horrifyingly stark white substance covering her face and makes her kind of resemble a clown (which, of course, are always scary)?" or...the more likely scenario...i get too caught up in other things and forget about the face mask which then forms a sort of cement, hardened deep into my pores, and takes the rest of the night to remove. i also painted my toenails. and i watched up all night. a show about two new parents trying to keep it cool. which was pretty funny and in some ways, surprisingly accurate.

anyway...it was the great. but do you know what was even better? having my husband and baby come home. two smiling faces that i got to cuddle with the rest of the night. sometimes you need a little time to yourself to appreciate what is right in front of you.  i'm learning this slowly. even with all cortney's many attempts and offers to take charge for a few hours. i'm learning that a little time away makes me a better mom and a better wife. a little time away keeps me sane. and makes me happier. and i don't even feel guilty about it.


oh yeah, and i still forgot about the face mask.



hope your thursday is a beautiful one. xo.