16 June 2011

mom guilt.

i've been taking a yoga class a couple of nights a week for the last couple of weeks. i love the studio, the instructors, and have been really feeling my practice coming back to me for the first time in over a year. cortney has been really great, making sure he is home in time from work so i can go to the 90 minute class, and i've felt like the alone time that he and baby n. get together has been so good for both of them.

still, as i was driving to my class last night...it happened. i got sick to my stomach. my heartbeat started to pick up, and i broke out in a cold sweat. i almost turned around and went back home. i was having the feeling that i wasn't living up to the mother that i should be. i've been gone too much at night lately. leaving my boys, when they need me. all for a silly yoga class. who does that? i'm being so selfish. do you know the feeling i'm talking about?

mom guilt. 

it's such a sickening feeling, and i'm sure all mom's feel it from time to time. i've noticed as baby n. gets older though, that it's only getting worse. it's the feeling that nothing is quite good enough. time spent, or activities followed through. it never seems like enough, and definitely not good enough for what my perfect baby boy deserves.

when it feels like i'm out and about all day, toting him around from car-seat to carrier, with not enough time to crawl and expore?

mom guilt.

when i spend too much time talking on the phone and not doing enough talking with him?

mom guilt. 

when he doesn't get enough fresh air/outside time that day.

mom guilt.

when i have to wake him up early from a nap. or don't get him home in time to take a good nap.

mom guilt. 

the feeling that i'm not doing everything i'm supposed to. say it with me now...

mom guilt.

i think the fact that i'm a stay-at-home-mom might make it worse. i feel the pressure to fill the day with activities that will stimulate and encourage baby n.'s growth and knowledge. to make each day better than the last. after all, his happiness and health depend on me.

tell me...do you ever feel this way? how do you make yourself feel better? i'm a firm believer that if something makes you feel guilty or wrong, then just change it. but what if we can't shake the feeling? and when do our expectations as parents become unrealistic? how do we get past the mom guilt?

"nothing else will ever make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality, especially while you struggle to keep your own." ~ marguerite kelly

on a different note....look at this face...

how could you not want to spend every second with it? 

happy thursday. xo.


Ellie said...

Mom guilt is totally real. I can relate to just about every sentence of that post. But I really like the quote you put in near the end because sometimes it really is a struggle to keep your own identity when so much of your life is revolving around your little one(s). Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say or talk about unless it has to do with Sophie and those are the moments I realize it's ok to have some "me" time to keep growing and developing my own individuality. That is important to. If yoga and talking to your mom on the phone is how you do it, then so be it. You deserve it.

Speaking of out of control mom guilt though...in a few weeks I'm going to D.C to spend a week with Sarah and I'm not taking Sophie with me. I've already cried about it multiple times. Rob is trying to convince me that it will be a much needed/really nice break but I am having a super hard time with it. I've changed my mind about 30 times about weather or not to take her with me. It's a horrible feeling. It's supposed to be a nice birthday break for me and I am already stressed about it 3 weeks in advance.

thewestenskows.blogspot.com said...

Oh cute Laura! I can relate to everything you just said. In fact, I just had an anxiety attack/melt down "mom guilt" moment last night so this post really hit home. Between work and callings and blah blah blah.. I feel SO guilty for not spending as much time with my kids as I feel like they need!

But, it is so important to take time for yourself! It rejuvenates you and makes you a better mom and wife.

Love the cute pictures. Noah is adorable!

Brittany said...

my goodness! he is getting so big! I totally see Cort in him! and of course his beautiful Mommy :)
We want to come see you guys! I have family in Texas too, so maybe we will make a trip out there this summer!
X O!

Jamie said...

I totally feel mom guilt--on a daily basis. But after 3 kids, I've also discovered that I don't want my only title to be "mother". I want to still be "me" and that includes doing things for myself. And I also want to be a great "wife" too. It's been hard separating these three titles, but all 3 need their own attention to be a great me, mom and wife!

anna said...

I'm told that most of my childhood was spent in the car driving around on errands with Mom. She had places to go and things to do, and couldn't help but drag me with her all the time. Other than battling with car sickness most of my years - I turned out awesome.

You deserve some "you" time every once and a while. Especially if you have found something you enjoy to do. I think that's healthy and will make you happy.

Amy said...

Anna's right you know... in fact, her first words were Coca Cola and crackers, not "Mamma"... she turned out A-okay.

You're a fantastic mom and I don't think you need to worry about your yoga time.