the halfway post.

my pregnancy has been smooth - so much so that i can't believe i'm halfway through this journey. i've blogged very little about my pregnancy, so far. i've kept it private as if it was an all too precious gift that i wasn't ready to share. but now that our little one has more of an identity, and he's making his presence known to me more and more every day, i'm bursting at the seams, and feeling like i should be writing down everything that i'm feeling. so here we are. 

this has easily been the most life-changing year of my life - marriage and baby, bumping from city to city, big decisions, little decisions and more. as much of an adjustment it has been moving to texas, i must admit, it feels good to be settled. to be somewhere. to know that we can take the time to get to know our surroundings - no matter how foreign or flat. even if i'm headed to utah every month for a dose of family time, at least i know that i'm coming back to a home that the husband and i are making together, and getting ready to expand our family in.

that being said, life is just different right now. i feel as if i've taken a jump off one of my life stepping-stones onto a new one, and am entering new territory. i have never handled change very well. in fact, i'm the worst. but if there is one thing i have learned in my twenty-some-odd years, it is that just because things are new and difficult, doesn't mean they are bad. if i look back on all the most pivotal times in my life, everything that has turned me into who i am, and has gotten me where i am today - come from some form of change. whether it was spurred by the positive or negative, i have always, and life has always, turned out for the better. and i'm grateful for it and the adventure it brings. it makes for the best memories, and i think i've become more of the me i'm supposed to be, through each and every experience.

i feel as if i'm headed towards something big. each and every day that gets closer to us bringing our baby home, twenty or so weeks from now, i think i change a little more. i think about my own mother and wonder how she did it. how did motherhood come so naturally to her, and will it come the same to me? how do you prepare? i feel that there is so much to do mentally and physically...is 20 weeks enough time? i want to be composed, and patient, and knowledgeable, and...ready. but i'm starting to wonder if we are ever really ready for anything life brings us? or do we just learn as we go? i do know that i want to be a better person. and that is something i can work at everyday. to be the kind of mother i know that my active, little boy deserves. he's already got a dad that i watch get better every day. i'm just hoping some of that rubs off on me. 

i'm excited. and watching the ultrasound on monday really put things into perspective for me. watching him move. seeing his heart beat. in awe of how much he's grown. quite possibly one of the coolest experiences of my life. so i don't fit into my pants as well as i'd like to (or at all anymore). i have days that i'm tired all the time. but my first is growing, stretching (more like flipping) and healthy inside of me. and that perhaps, is the best adventure of all. 

"the moment a child is born, the mother is also born. she never existed before. the woman existed, but the mother, never. a mother is something absolutely new." ~ rajneesh