a few things.

"if you love large, you've got to hurt large. if you've got a lot of light, you've probably got an equal amount of darkness." 

~ sarah mclachlan

it's nearing 9pm on a tuesday night, the husband is still hard at work, and i can't really figure out what is going on with me. my head is fuzzy and buzzing with all kinds of thoughts. whatever my body and mind needs right now...time, rest, food, etc....i'm not really sure, but the only thing that is making me feel good right now is cough drops, split pea soup and old episodes of 30 rock. i'm such a cliche. an attempt into the city this afternoon left me cranky, tired and suffering from hot flashes, so i'm not moving. i hate thinking that i'm wasting such good weather inside, but sometimes you just need to stay in, i guess. 

today marks 14 days before it is 25 days until christmas. does that only make sense to me? i used to always think of the holidays in that way when i was younger, and i'd say things like, "tomorrow we will be able to say that it is 1 week until christmas...".  guess i haven't changed much. the holidays are in full-swing here, but i'm still under strict instruction in our household not to break out the christmas movies, music and candy cane cookie cutters until after next thursday. i guess i can understand where the husband is coming from, (even though i did secretly let a little mariah carey christmas sneak out of my ipod earlier today) but san francisco does a much better job of putting me in the christmas spirit than los angeles ever did. something about 80 degree weather and palms trees that just doesn't do it for me. 

excitement for the holidays is definitely in the air, and the city is buzzing, as usual. it's interesting though - that in a city filled with thousands of people in every direction, you can still get lonely. spent some time chatting to this girl, and this girl today, and it made my heart ache. actually, to be honest, my heart aches a lot these days. seems like forever since i was able to call them up just to go to a movie, or lunch, or anything for that matter. seems like forever since i could just drive to my parents house just because i needed to see them. seems like forever since i hugged my nieces and nephews just because i could. it seems like i should be at the age where being homesick is only a distant memory, but it has only gotten worse the last month or so. i've spent the last couple of years craving adventure, new people, new experiences and just...change. wanting to experience something different than what i thought everyone i knew was....almost running away from what i grew up around. that sounds bad, but mostly i just wanted to feel like i wasn't settling, or getting settled. but what i'm feeling lately, is much different than that one-time girl-of-change. 

i blame this on my husband. 

being married to quite possibly, the most perfect being in the world (i really feel sorry for the rest of you), makes me ready to be settled. ready to start a family. to be around our families. watching him work so hard for our future, is pretty inspiring. watching him sacrifice his time, and sometimes, his immediate happiness, so he can secure a happy life for me. i still get shocked that anyone loves me as much as he seems to. coming home at all hours of the night, sometimes on the weekend - and yet still, his concern is taking care of me and my needs. making sure i'm happy. making sure we are watching my favorite tv shows. playing by my rules, so to say. i know this is how every marriage should be, but i know from experience, that it's not. i've seen this act of selflessness in my parents throughout the years, not knowing that it exists in others. happy to report that it does. making me love more, dream more, and believe in more. all this goodness i see and feel in him, i can only hope, is rubbing off on me. 

whew, i can be long-winded...thanks for listening. i just needed to get a few things off my chest. chances are, if you are reading this...i'm missing you. heart-achingly missing you.  if you haven't guessed that already. 

peace, love and a good night. xo.