thoughtful thursday

woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. actually, there wasn't much waking involved, i was never fully asleep. i slept approximately 2.5 hours last night, for absolutely no reason at all. my mind was wandering...jumping from place to place. 

i always get angry at myself when i can't sleep. i'm not sure why i beat myself up about it. there is obviously some subconscious purpose in keeping my mind in a waking state. i should be still and let it run through its thoughts. but i never do. instead i exhaust every possible option to try and get me back to sleep. i started by repeating, "please go back to sleep" over and over to myself (i ignored myself), i came into about a dozen different yoga postures, all which are supposed to help insomnia (none that worked), wandered around our tiny apartment (not a lot of walking space), ate a bowl of cereal (i'm always hungry at 2 in the morning), sat in a meditative position, trying to "om" myself back to sleep (which only ended up making me really thirsty), until i finally gave up, laid back in bed and tried to let the soothing music of enya calm me into a sleepy stupor. 

i was half asleep when cort left for work this morning. i always wake up right after he goes to work anyway. no matter what the time, whether he leaves at 5 am (it happens more than it should) or 7. my mind won't let me rest knowing that my husband is off to work hard for our little family and i'm still in bed. restless and sleepy at the same time, i couldn't turn on the morning news this morning - a habit i'm slowly growing to love more and more. 

i started blog surfing, but it was just too early for it so i started reading. i am a strong believer that things come to you when you need them, and as i opened up one of my favorite books at the moment, the page turned to this quote. i thought it was appropriate to share with the 2 of you that actually read my blog as you follow along with me as i continue down the path of soul searching and finding my life's purpose (a little dramatic, but true): 

"everything is already ok. the notion strikes us as radical, and it surely is. what it means is that in our essential nature we are already fully awake and enlightened; it means that God is available to us fully in the moment, simply because God is our true nature. we simply have to stop resisting it. there is no distance to travel, nothing special that we have to do to earn God. it's a 'done deal'." - stephen cope, {day 93} meditations from the mat